Postgrad Feelings & Fear of the Unknown

In late elementary school, I began one of my favorite summer traditions — attending summer camp at His Hill Ranch Camp in Comfort, Texas.

Years later, I even wrote my college application essays about my camp experiences at His Hill choosing to respond to the prompt, “What is your favorite place in the world and why?”

I loved everything about His Hill. I loved meeting other kids and staying in a cabin, doing outdoor activities like canoeing and zip lining, and having camp counselors who came from places all over the world.

A classic last day of camp activity

At His Hill, participating in activities that scared us emphasized the need to overcome innate fear and have trust in something greater than ourselves. We catapulted through the air on a wooden contraption called the “Screamer,” went mountain biking and cave exploring, and fell backwards off of a trust fall at “Low Elements.” Each summer, I became more comfortable with being uncomfortable and my faith and confidence grew.

Although my understanding of the world has shifted in ways and become more complex, the lessons that I learned at His Hill undoubtedly remain an integral part of my personal beliefs.

In big moments and big decisions, like booking my plane ticket to the Czech Republic or deciding to go to college far away, I choose to lean back on the trust fall once again, knowing I’ll land in the arms of those who love me.

While I’ve learned to use the mix of excitement and nervousness that come with big decisions, it’s the moments that seem small and are in-between that challenge me. A self-professed lover of organization and routine, I strain to envision my day to day life will look like in a new place, and am sometimes frustrated when I realize that I won’t really know until I’m there.

To combat the chaos of life and the unknown, I sometimes spend too much time trying to control the little things. I wonder what the next stage will look like. I worry about losing touch with those close to me or forgetting moments that are important to me. I am scared of life passing me by and wondering why I didn’t take the chance to do something great. Going to the Czech Republic doesn’t scare me in itself, but all of the unknowns do.

For me, moments of bravery are less about big decisions, but are beneath the surface in the little ones. I am brave when I let myself rest. I am brave when I take a step back and focus on the important things and the people that matter the most. (Luckily, they help put things in better perspective for me!).

Graduating brings so many crazy and new and exciting moments. This week, I start my training as a Duke University Summer Academy TA. I will be TA’ing 3 courses – a 3 week business course, a 1 week STEM camp, and a 3 week leadership course. I’m incredibly excited to live in Durham over the summer and take advantage of new places to explore and new people to meet. But, of course, I’ve found myself overthinking about what my time there will look like.

I’m currently reading a non-fiction work by Rebecca Solnit about activism called, “Hope in the Dark,” a gift from one of my favorite Elon professors. As I move to new places and step into the unknown, I’m comforted by Solnit’s words: “To hope is to gamble. It’s to bet on the future, on your desires, on the possibility that an open heart and uncertainty is better than gloom and safety. To hope is dangerous, and yet it is the opposite of fear, for to live is to risk.” She reminds us that the future (and the dark) are always unpredictable. Yet, we must go anyway and things will be okay!

To post-grad life and gambling for hope! We got this 🙂

Reflections